Are you holding on to something? Something that is the first thing on your mind when the word forgiveness comes up. Or the word unforgiveness.
I like to start with definitions. So, we are jumping in with the definition of unforgiveness. It is unwilling or unable to forgive. Does that sound familiar to you?
Forgiveness is a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.
It does not require the wrongdoer to admit their offense, ask for forgiveness, or be willing to change. You may not get the apology you seek if that is what you want.
The first and most powerful thing we can do in this situation is to pray for them.
There are many situations where there may be unforgiveness.
To name a few:
with a friend
family member
coworker
or with yourself.
This could be towards someone or several people who hurt you, or it could even be unforgiveness you hold towards yourself.
Now, that is something I have not seen talked about before and something I want to touch on. You could be holding onto something you have done that you don’t think you can forgive yourself for. There may be shame and guilt associated with it. Even if something wasn’t your fault or entirely your fault, you may still have resentment, guilt, and unforgiveness towards yourself.
We are called to forgive. To forgive the big stuff and the little stuff. The easy to forgive and the hard to forgive. The deeper the hurt, the harder it is to forgive. But, our call to forgive is not based on the level of wrong done to us. It doesn’t matter how big the action was against us. There can still be forgiveness, even for the smallest of hurts.
This doesn’t mean that forgiveness is easy! Forgiving someone can be very, very difficult. But it is a necessary step you need to take. Forgiving someone is hard because we have been hurt. Or if you are having trouble forgiving yourself, it could be because of shame.
I struggled with unforgiveness with a couple of people for quite some years. At times, I thought I had forgiven them, but after a while, it was apparent that I had not. Therefore, the journey to forgive began again.
In 2020, when I knew I would get married the following year, I set out to completely forgive these people. Thus began a journey that I thought would be more difficult, but it wasn’t this time around. I did not want to bring this into my marriage and knew it needed to be over and done with. (Yes, he knew about it.)
I knew it was finally done when I could talk about it. When I could talk about or see these people and not roll my eyes to myself. I was no longer angry inside when certain things came up involving these people and past situations.
Don’t get me wrong; that doesn’t mean I don’t think about the things that happened to me. It means that I am no longer giving those situations power over me. I no longer give those people power over me.
How you forgive will look different for everyone. To forgive, I had to release my emotions of the hurt I had experienced and the need for them to admit the things they had done. I had to pray for them. Pray for the situation. I had to pray for forgiveness. I had to pray for peace over the entire situation.
Something else I learned truly helped me.
Now, we are backtracking a couple of years to the time in my life when I was in the midst of abuse and graduating high school. I was trying to wrap my head around the idea of having to deal with these people for the rest of my life. We are supposed to forgive and forget, right? In a misguided effort to forgive them, I continued to let them in my life.
Which only led to continuing fights, arguments, and frustration. I thought I had to keep letting them in my life since I had forgiven them. After a while, an incredible revelation came to me! I did not have to deal with this person! I can choose to have sanity. I can choose to let these people go about their own lives and not worry about their lives.
It does not mean I hate them. But that I can forgive and live separately from them.
Forgiveness does not mean I have to continue to allow abuse. Or continue to allow hurt in my life. It states that I will not have resentment or ill will towards them; they do not have to be in my life for me to do that!
Just because you forgive someone does not mean you have to allow them in your life again. We don’t forgive and forget in that sense because we shouldn’t allow it to be repeated.
Your past mistakes should guide you, not define you! Change how you think about your past and turn your mistakes into learning opportunities. It’s time to stop remembering what God has already forgotten. You may have made a mistake, but you are not a mistake. You may have made a bad choice, but you are not a bad person. There is nothing too big for God. If he can forgive you, you can forgive yourself. If he can forgive others, you can forgive others.
Jesus didn’t save you so you could be ashamed and guilty. He saved you so you could be a blessing to others and serve out His purpose for you. The Bible is filled with stories of forgiveness. It shows us how even when people sinned, God still used them.
We have all made mistakes and sinned a time or two and wished we could go back and rewrite the past. But the best news is your story isn’t finished yet! You can stop living in shame and change your future because we serve a God whose faithfulness is bigger than our mistakes or past.
Ultimately, we need to forgive others because when we don’t forgive, we are the only person hurt by that choice. Typically, the people we are refusing to forgive either don’t know or don’t care that we have not forgiven them. They are not carrying that burden around with them wherever they go. But we are. Forgiveness frees us from anger and bitterness. Forgiveness can bring you peace, joy, and emotional and spiritual healing.
A couple of key points to remember:
- Forgive others as quickly as you expect God to forgive you.
- Forgiveness is not about forgetting what someone did to you. It’s about saying to God, “I give this situation to you because I know you can handle it better than I can.”
I’ll end with this scripture I came to love in the last couple of years! “Great is His faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.” Lamentations 3:23 NLT Other versions say, “His mercies are new every morning.” either way, what a wonderful scripture!
I hope you recevied something from this post, and I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below or on my Instagram + Facebook!